Future thoughts

Loss

Loss
The fact or process of loosing someone or something.

Everyone  of us will experience or have experienced,some kind of loss in our lives.
I know that I have experienced loss more times than I would like to admit.

Some loses are happy ones, I know I have lost weight, a wopping 25 kilos, I have lost baggage, in the form of a terrible ex. I have lost terrible habits like biting my nails, stressing about silly things, and saying sorry for everything.

Other losses are not so easy, the loss of a loved one is never nice, I have lost two grandparents, I have lost beloved pets, and the most recent loss was that of the friendship between me and someone I thought of as a best friend.

I am a loyal person, I love hard and I would go to war for the people I love and cherish. Sometimes it is the kind souls of this world that get used. I have to admit that this year has seen this particular friendship dwindle, I have continuously tried to keep the flame burning, trying to make an effort, but after seeing absolutly no effort from the other side, I gave put in the towel and I will no longer allow myself to be anyone second option.

I have to thank my Boyfriend for this new found strength, he has helped me become a much stronger woman, I see my value and self worth and respect myself too much now to allow anyone to think that they are doing me a favor or that I owe them something.

As hard as loss is to experience, there is only one guarantee in life and that is that there will always be change. Some of these changes are forced upon us, some of these changes we make ourselves but there is nothing we can do about them. There is no random in this life, and everyone we meet is brought to us for a reason.

My ex best friend taught me a lot about myself and she definitely had her purpose, she was there when I really was alone and felt so weak after my break up almost 2 years ago, but we seem to have grown apart and that is okay, sometimes people do grow apart, I do not hate her, I do not wish her ill, I merely wish better for myself.

I never really have had a real girl best friend, and I guess I always wanted that friendship that is portrayed endlessly on social media, movies and in books. Unfortunately is doesn't always exist as most things in life are not perfect.

Dealing with loss of any kind is a day by day thing. One step at a time. Just breath and everything will fall into place.

xoxo
Jen

Living with Anxiety

I live with Anxiety every day.
Some days are good. I wake up happy and the birds are singing like a good old disney movie, but then there are the bad days, the days I don't want to get out of bed. The days that my demons from my past surface. My boyfriend reads my message and ignores it, well that is my interpretation, or I don't really hear from him in a day and my mind wonders, does he love me, is everything okay. Now only someone who has anxiety will understand this battle.

I try taking deep breathes, but when my whole world has gone into slow mode, it becomes hard. exercise is my friend. it keeps the demons at  bay. This is the result of 5 years of abuse, mentally and physically. I constantly say sorry  for everything, you could say it is because by saying sorry I kept myself from being hit, and I still live with this fear of being hit, thrown down stairs or having things thrown at me.

I am not nasty,  I don't try and hurt the people I love. But I do feel like I often upset them or irritate them. I yearn to be loved the way I dream about. All I want is for someone to be proud to have me . On the bad days it feels like I am drowning in an ocean of my own thoughts, trying to surface for air but not making it in time. With very few in my contact list that I trust enough to talk to. It is a battle I am fighting alone. I have seen some girls lucky enough to have boyfriends who understand their battle, and when they are asked for reassurance, they give it without hesitation. When you suffer from anxiety your mind is your enemy, how do you shut out your own mind without getting a lobotomy, or being so doped up that you basically aren't living.
Self hate is common, we usually are sensitive beings and have been hurt more than most people should ever be in one life time.
it feels like your whole world is closing in on you. After the anxiety subsides you feel like a fool.
Are victims of abuse to blame for these conditions, how do you reprogram years of self protective conditioning.
What really hurts is when you cannot explain how you are feeling without being judged, when you feel like you have to hide your feelings from those you love.
Is it so wrong to want to be loved and made to feel safe.

What is Love (Part 1)

William Shakespeare.

When I saw you I fell in love and you smiled because you knew…

Love is a four letter word that we repeat countless times in our lives, we search for it and when we find it, we would move mountains to keep it. Love is never ending, even in death; the love that we had for someone is forever strong and lives on in our hearts.

We all have a love story to tell, some end in tears and others are what great love stories are made of.

Love can be anything from the love and devotion shared between a husband and wife, after years of memories. The Love felt between two people who have barely known each other a month, but there is something between them that was felt in that first kiss.

The great poets spoke about love like it was something that was burnt into our destinies by the stars, something that even the angels were envious of.  Something as precious and delicate like that of the wings of a butterfly.

Love has always been a part of our lives, from the music we listen to, the movies we watch, the words we read. Love is the corner stone to everyone’s lives, whether you believe in it or not.

Whoever loved that loved not at first sight… William Shakespeare.

Romeo and Juliette

If Music be the food of love, play on.

Love is so powerful that people have and will kill for it. A crime of passion as it would be called. The pain caused by a lost love makes us do the most irrational of things. That feeling of actual heartache, and yes we have all probably felt and if not will still feel one day, because heartache is something we have to feel to appreciate the great love that is destined for us by the stars.  

We will cry for a lost love for years, many will regret letting someone go, because finding someone that you know that you can trust and that they will love you till the end, through thick and thin is one of the hardest things. 

Knowing that no matter what storm life throws at you, your loved one will be standing next to you, holding your hand strong telling you “we got this boo”

Love is something that even when it causes the most pain, it is in this exact moment that we see how really loved we are, by the people that actually matter in life. A best friend, a family member maybe even someone who has loved you but never had an opportunity to show you.

I asked a friend what  her take on love.

She told me that she has been in love, and she thought that it was real, but it could not have been because it had broken her. Now she still believes in love, but she is scared of it at the same time, if she feels that something might get serious, she often catches herself wanting to run.

Now I might be a silly girl, who loves love, and even though I have had my heart broken one to many times, I still do and probably always will believe that true love is unstoppable. That every heart break and every person who came into your life was supposed to and that one day the right person will step into your life and will make you forget about all the others.

Nothing, not time, distance or another person can stand in the way of true love, or your twin flame as a friend would put it.

It is often the people that we would never even consider that are there for us, family is usually the most obvious ones.

He stepped down, trying to not look at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her like she was the sun, even without looking.

Anna Kara Nina

Love is a major theme in countless  motion pictures and best sellers, there has to be a good reason for this.

People fought wars for the love of their nation, and when lives are lost, tears are shed for the loved ones life that was taken.

Gravity holds us to this world, why can’t love.

This is very cliche, but have you ever stopped and looked around when you are at the airport. There is so much love here, people collecting loved ones they have not seen in months, or loved ones leaving and tears of despair for a love that will be missed.

I pose a question… Do we know what love is, what real love is? I am sure that if we were to ask a group of people what is love? We would collect different answers and many would be completely different, if not all.

When I am close to you , we blend in to my favorite color.. Carly rae jepsen.

Can we actually put into words the true meaning of love, can we capture it and know exactly what we have. I think that many people spend their whole lives searching for something concert, when they should follow their hearts. If it feels right in your heart and saying those three little words feels right then it is love and you should never let it go

My brother said to me that he thinks that you never know what true love is until you no longer have it. So the saying you don’t know what you have until you no longer have it rings true for him.

 A heart to love and in that heart the courage to make love known. W.S

Love gives us the courage and strength to do things that we could not usually do. Love soothes all wounds and makes us feel complete, especially when it is true love, there will no longer be a feeling of doubt or fear. Just happiness and the thought of a future together. Love is the only things that can take all the pain away.

Someone told me that they viewed love as trust. I suppose that there has to be trust in any relationship in order for love to blossom and bloom year after year.

Without trust for another person how do we let into our lives and give them access to our insecurities and weaknesses. Love is about sharing everything with each other, the good and the bad.  Trust has to exist for that to happen.

I heard this and it really made me realize how strong love is between a mother and a child.

 A human body can bear only 45 del units of pain, yet at the time of giving birth a mother feels up to 57 del units of pain, this is similar to 20 bones being fractured at the same time. Can you imagine the pain felt and how much love there is between a mother and her child.

When a baby is born, they are often crying, fearful of this new world, but the moment they are in their parents arms they go silent, there small hands in there fathers, or mothers, the bond between parent and child is felt from the first moments on this earth and it is the only thing that soothes a child. The unconditional love of a parent. 

Love is a never ending story...  I will keep writing about it, even if I think I have found it, Love is ever changing, because in life, change is the only thing that is guaranteed 

BE STRONG

YOU DID NOT BREAK ME

A letter to the man who tried to destroy me, tried to take away my strength by using his own.

You thought that because you were bigger and stronger than me, that you could use that against me, like a true bully you did just that.

You took advantage of a girl who was sad, when she just needed someone to see that sadness and pain and protect her from the demons of the night; yet you saw it as an opportunity to rob her of her dignity and self-worth, you were the demon in the shadows,  that I needed protection from.

 You made me hate myself, and drew me further away from the world and made me close my heart off to ever letting anyone in, you made it harder to trust anyone.

You hurt me, in more ways than I have ever been hurt, you treated me like I was some small insignificant being that deserved no respect, and you might as well have spat on my face when you were done.

Hiding this secret from the people who were important to me, because I was ashamed, I felt like it was my fault. That somehow I had done this to myself, and I hated myself for ever having been there that night, for not being for observant to realizing that my drink was spiked. I did not want the people that I loved most in the world to hate me too.

But by hiding it I was giving you power, you were winning because I was no longer the strong woman I had always been. You had made me weak, you made me scared to believe in people and I lived in fear.   Speaking out gave me my strength back

The hardest part was when I had to see you in town, having you act like you had never met me before, like I was a stranger.  Well guess what, you have met me, and now I am your demon. You cannot wash away what you did with a smile. You might be able to fool the world around you but I know that you truly are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I may have been victimized, but I tell you now I am no victim. I am a warrior and I will prevail, with every tear I shed writing this, with every thought of self blame that I have to push away, you will become a memory of a time in life when I had find my inner strength.

For months I hid behind a fake smile and wall that nobody could penetrate, I hid from the truth thinking that if I hid for long enough, my demons would never find me and that I could eventually come out again. But those demons are your own, and until you face them you will forever be only a shell of the woman you really are. Come out of hiding and let us all stand together and face our demons, tell someone anyone, Start somewhere, until you talk about it, it will eat you alive. Some people may fall out of your life, and other will embrace you tighter, knowing that you just need a love and support

To end a letter to the man who thinks he destroyed me. You have not, you have made me into the strong woman I am, the woman who knows she can make it through any of life’s challenges.

You are no longer in the shadows, you are no longer a demon that plagues my nightmares and makes me cry. You are nothing more than a bad memory; you are your own demon now.

I forgive you for what you did. Whatever the reason was, you have to deal with it now. I no longer want this to be a burden in my life. I will live my life in happiness, with a man who loves me in spite of what happened to me, because it made me the strong independent woman I am.

You did not break me.

Ladies, if any of you feel like you have nowhere to turn, you have so many people who love you. You are beautiful and worthy of such love, do not ever think you are not worthy, or that you don’t deserve to be loved. What happened is not your fault and if anything we deserve to be loved more, because we will appreciate it so much. The hurt souls in the world have more compassion and we will love harder.

Speak out, be brave and have courage.

`

As the Holidays draw to a close

Hey guys...

I know I have been more than distant, I was practically none existent. Life just got to much and too busy and  I had to take a step back. I am however pleased to say that I am back and feeling great.

Things you missed out on.
Matthew and I hit our 2 year anniversary last year and we are going stronger than ever.

I am going into my second year of University, feeling very nervous but hoping for the best.

I have lost so much weight and still going strong. Since the holidays have just passed I will need to hit the gym a lot more when I get back home, but I can do it.

Life has had its ups and downs, there have been tears and smiles, love and war. There were times when I felt like giving up, but because I had the love and support of such a big family I was and still am able to move forward. I am still trying to get a bursary or scholarship, it has not been easy, but we move on and keep trying.

So as most people probably have already done, I wanted to write down my new year resolutions.




1 control my temper
2 channel my anger towards something productive.
3 Loose weight and tone up
4 Talk to my Mother and Father more often
5 See My aunt more
6 Make more friends
7 Be more social
8 Work my Finances better.

Today is freezing, I have no idea what the temperature is, but in my opinion it has to be below zero.  There is snow on the mountains and a have ear muffs on. Yes pink earmuffs. I am soo hungry to, have not a meal all day.  This is the kind of weather that makes you realize that you should have stayed in bed or called in sick, it is too cold to do anything.

I have a week left in Knysna, I leave next week and just the thought of leaving makes me very sad, I don’t want to go back to Pretoria, I will miss my family, I don’t want to feel alone and sad, but I guess there are some things in life that one has to do even if you really don’t want to.

 The things that are on my mind at the moment are:

Hot chocolate

Warm ski jackets and boots.

Hot water bottles, ( mine keeps going cold really quickly.)

Scarves

Blankets.

Basically anything warm

This kind of weather makes me think, if I feel the cold this much, and actually have the choice to stay  in bed, rather than exercise, imagine all the less fortunate people in the world, the people who don't have a bed, and have to try stay warm in a box. We should all be so grateful that we have a bed and a roof and can make hot chocolate and cuddle under a blanket. I think it is important to remember our blessings and give thanks that we have them. 

So now I think I will go and cuddle under a blanket, how about you?