Future thoughts

Loss

Loss
The fact or process of loosing someone or something.

Everyone  of us will experience or have experienced,some kind of loss in our lives.
I know that I have experienced loss more times than I would like to admit.

Some loses are happy ones, I know I have lost weight, a wopping 25 kilos, I have lost baggage, in the form of a terrible ex. I have lost terrible habits like biting my nails, stressing about silly things, and saying sorry for everything.

Other losses are not so easy, the loss of a loved one is never nice, I have lost two grandparents, I have lost beloved pets, and the most recent loss was that of the friendship between me and someone I thought of as a best friend.

I am a loyal person, I love hard and I would go to war for the people I love and cherish. Sometimes it is the kind souls of this world that get used. I have to admit that this year has seen this particular friendship dwindle, I have continuously tried to keep the flame burning, trying to make an effort, but after seeing absolutly no effort from the other side, I gave put in the towel and I will no longer allow myself to be anyone second option.

I have to thank my Boyfriend for this new found strength, he has helped me become a much stronger woman, I see my value and self worth and respect myself too much now to allow anyone to think that they are doing me a favor or that I owe them something.

As hard as loss is to experience, there is only one guarantee in life and that is that there will always be change. Some of these changes are forced upon us, some of these changes we make ourselves but there is nothing we can do about them. There is no random in this life, and everyone we meet is brought to us for a reason.

My ex best friend taught me a lot about myself and she definitely had her purpose, she was there when I really was alone and felt so weak after my break up almost 2 years ago, but we seem to have grown apart and that is okay, sometimes people do grow apart, I do not hate her, I do not wish her ill, I merely wish better for myself.

I never really have had a real girl best friend, and I guess I always wanted that friendship that is portrayed endlessly on social media, movies and in books. Unfortunately is doesn't always exist as most things in life are not perfect.

Dealing with loss of any kind is a day by day thing. One step at a time. Just breath and everything will fall into place.

xoxo
Jen

Living with Anxiety

I live with Anxiety every day.
Some days are good. I wake up happy and the birds are singing like a good old disney movie, but then there are the bad days, the days I don't want to get out of bed. The days that my demons from my past surface. My boyfriend reads my message and ignores it, well that is my interpretation, or I don't really hear from him in a day and my mind wonders, does he love me, is everything okay. Now only someone who has anxiety will understand this battle.

I try taking deep breathes, but when my whole world has gone into slow mode, it becomes hard. exercise is my friend. it keeps the demons at  bay. This is the result of 5 years of abuse, mentally and physically. I constantly say sorry  for everything, you could say it is because by saying sorry I kept myself from being hit, and I still live with this fear of being hit, thrown down stairs or having things thrown at me.

I am not nasty,  I don't try and hurt the people I love. But I do feel like I often upset them or irritate them. I yearn to be loved the way I dream about. All I want is for someone to be proud to have me . On the bad days it feels like I am drowning in an ocean of my own thoughts, trying to surface for air but not making it in time. With very few in my contact list that I trust enough to talk to. It is a battle I am fighting alone. I have seen some girls lucky enough to have boyfriends who understand their battle, and when they are asked for reassurance, they give it without hesitation. When you suffer from anxiety your mind is your enemy, how do you shut out your own mind without getting a lobotomy, or being so doped up that you basically aren't living.
Self hate is common, we usually are sensitive beings and have been hurt more than most people should ever be in one life time.
it feels like your whole world is closing in on you. After the anxiety subsides you feel like a fool.
Are victims of abuse to blame for these conditions, how do you reprogram years of self protective conditioning.
What really hurts is when you cannot explain how you are feeling without being judged, when you feel like you have to hide your feelings from those you love.
Is it so wrong to want to be loved and made to feel safe.