Living with Anxiety

I live with Anxiety every day.
Some days are good. I wake up happy and the birds are singing like a good old disney movie, but then there are the bad days, the days I don't want to get out of bed. The days that my demons from my past surface. My boyfriend reads my message and ignores it, well that is my interpretation, or I don't really hear from him in a day and my mind wonders, does he love me, is everything okay. Now only someone who has anxiety will understand this battle.

I try taking deep breathes, but when my whole world has gone into slow mode, it becomes hard. exercise is my friend. it keeps the demons at  bay. This is the result of 5 years of abuse, mentally and physically. I constantly say sorry  for everything, you could say it is because by saying sorry I kept myself from being hit, and I still live with this fear of being hit, thrown down stairs or having things thrown at me.

I am not nasty,  I don't try and hurt the people I love. But I do feel like I often upset them or irritate them. I yearn to be loved the way I dream about. All I want is for someone to be proud to have me . On the bad days it feels like I am drowning in an ocean of my own thoughts, trying to surface for air but not making it in time. With very few in my contact list that I trust enough to talk to. It is a battle I am fighting alone. I have seen some girls lucky enough to have boyfriends who understand their battle, and when they are asked for reassurance, they give it without hesitation. When you suffer from anxiety your mind is your enemy, how do you shut out your own mind without getting a lobotomy, or being so doped up that you basically aren't living.
Self hate is common, we usually are sensitive beings and have been hurt more than most people should ever be in one life time.
it feels like your whole world is closing in on you. After the anxiety subsides you feel like a fool.
Are victims of abuse to blame for these conditions, how do you reprogram years of self protective conditioning.
What really hurts is when you cannot explain how you are feeling without being judged, when you feel like you have to hide your feelings from those you love.
Is it so wrong to want to be loved and made to feel safe.